The beginner’s guide to kinky sex, from role play to bondage and beyond.
If you’ve ever picked up a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey or accidentally wondered into your local Ann Summers store, you might have a vague understanding of what kinky sex entails. But while we can’t knock EL James for bringing kink into the public consciousness, the stereotypes depicted in popular culture are often way off the mark.
Kinky sex is a way of experimenting with boundaries in the bedroom which sometimes involves a good spanking, but it also comes with emotional, physical and even spiritual benefits that could improve your relationships and transform your self-esteem. All that from a bit of slap and tickle? Bear with us…
We spoke to Bodyworker and Sex & Intimacy Coach Libby Sheppard, gynaecologist and co-founder of Hanx Sarah Welsh, and sex and dating expert at The Stag Company Clarissa Bloom, about the pros and cons of exploring kinky sex, plus we share 26 expert tips for beginners on how to enjoy a positive, safe and sexy kink experience:
What is kinky sex?
Sexual attitudes have changed and so has society’s perceptions of what is considered risqué in the bedroom. These days kinky sex is best described as anything unconventional – that is to say, outside of kissing, vaginal penetration, masturbation and oral sex. But what one person may view as kinky, another might consider vanilla love-making, so it’s not an exact science. ‘Kinky sex can mean different things to different people and plays out along a broad spectrum,’ says Sheppard. ‘But it is basically any sexual act that utilises aspects of fantasy, role play or polarity/power dynamics and isn’t limited to penis-in-vagina sex.’
What one person may view as kinky, another might consider vanilla love-making, so it’s not an exact science.
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The truth is you can set your own kinky parameters. So if you and your partner enjoy experimenting in ways that feel wild and sexy and outlandish to you, then that defines your kink. ‘Kinky sex involves something that you enjoy adding to your experience,’ says Sheppard. ‘Examples of kinky sex might be: acting out sexual fantasies, using toys like butt plugs, floggers or pussy pumps, using restraints or bondage or involving extra people – threesomes, or group sex.’
Kinky sex misconceptions and myths
Attitudes are changing, but stepping outside the boundaries of sexual norms still often comes with a side serving of judgement and may be considered taboo. ‘We recently conducted a survey exploring fantasy with over 600 responses, and unsurprisingly, kink and its many aspects came up again and again,’ says Welsh. ‘It’s not as underground, weird or unusual as some perceive it to be.’
The most common misconception is that kinky sex exclusively involves being trussed up in a gimp suit and spanked into submission.
The most common misconception is that kinky sex exclusively involves being trussed up in a gimp suit and spanked into submission. While this certainly does happen, there is more to kink than BDSM.
There’s also a false perception that the person in the dominant role (AKA the Dom) is the one in control and calling the shots, when often it’s the reverse. ‘Most of the time, the person playing the Dom is performing this act to please their partner whose kink is to be submissive,’ says Bloom.
Kinky sex benefits
Sexual gratification aside, kinky sex can benefit your mental health, your self-confidence and even your stress levels. A study from Northern Illinois University found that couples who engaged in positive, consensual sadomasochistic activity had lower cortisol levels – the stress hormone – and reported increased feelings of intimacy.
Understanding what you find arousing is important, as your sexual wellness is an essential element of your wellbeing.
Exploring kink is also technically an act of self-care, explains Welsh. ‘Taking ownership of your pleasure and understanding what you find arousing is really important, as your sexual wellness is an essential element of your overall wellbeing,’ she says.
There’s also the social aspect to consider. Meeting others with similar fantasies in the kink community and finding your ‘tribe’ can be hugely validating. ‘Being able to talk openly about what turns you on without fear of judgement is an amazing experience and the kink lifestyle has a huge community aspect,’ says Bloom. ‘From local meet-ups to regular events, there are often things going on in each town across the UK.’
Kinky sex safety tips
Everyone has different limits and boundaries, and it’s important to respect that. Follow our 6 tips to make sure kinky sex is a safe, positive experience for everyone involved:
Research first: before trying out any kink, do plenty of research to make sure it’s really for you – especially for kinks sitting at the more extreme end of the scale. The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance is a good place to start.
Build up slowly: sometimes kinky sex involves mixing pain and pleasure, so it’s important to start slow. ‘I often recommend building up to a fantasy or a fetish if you’re doing it for the first time,’ says Bloom. ‘Take baby steps and see what you do and don’t like.’
Establish boundaries: informed consent is the most important aspect of exploring kinky sex, so lay the ground rules before you get started. Communication is key, so talk through with your partner(s) about what you are and aren’t expecting, and where your limits are.
Choose a safe word: it’s important to establish a safe word so you can swiftly end any scenario you’re not comfortable with if things get too much – and don’t be afraid to use it. As with all sex, kink should be completely consensual so if one or both of you isn’t enjoying the experience, use that safe word and stop immediately.
Practise bondage safety: never leave a restrained person unattended, even for a moment. If the Dominant needs to leave the room for any reason whatsoever, always release the submissive to avoid catastrophe.
Remember after-care: kink can be emotionally and physically draining, so always follow a session with aftercare and check-in with your partner to make sure they’re OK. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared will quickly reset the vibe.
26 kinky sex tips for beginners
Keen to give kink a try? The key to exploring your kinky side starts with open, honest communication and fun! So sit down and talk about what turns you on with your other half before you get started. Discussing your sexual desires with a trusted partner can also serve as foreplay and be seriously steamy. So talk about it, plan what you hope to explore together and enjoy the ride! As long as you’re all consenting adults, anything goes and the world is your rubber lobster:
- Sensory deprivation
Depriving any one of the sensations associated with sexual pleasure can sharpen the rest, so something as simple as switching off the lights can be remarkably erotic. ‘Removing one sense can be a simple and safe way to begin with kinky sex,’ says Sheppard. ‘Try blindfolding your partner or using sound-muffling headphones.’ - Bondage
Restraint can be a part of power play or sensory deprivation, so it adds to feelings of complete submission. It can also be tantalising if you’re tied up and unable to resist the tickle of a feather or the sting of an ice cube.
There are a million different ways to restrict someone’s movement. ‘Don’t go straight for ropes or silk ties, they can be fiddly to undo quickly and you risk tying them too tight,’ advises Sheppard. ‘Soft leather handcuffs are a comfortable, pleasurable alternative.’ Using shibari rope or bondage tape are also popular ways to experiment with bondage.
- Orgasm denial
If you’ve ever found yourself on the brink of orgasm but you’ve managed to hold back for a moment, you will know how tantalising orgasm denial can be. Known as edging, hovering over the precipice of sexual pleasure can prolong the party and make the eventual reward even more intense. Sex toys can really add to this, as you can control your lovers orgasm by simply switching off every time they get close to the edge. Reading up on tantric sex can also help brush up your delayed orgasm skills. - Role play
Role play includes everything from fantasy pillow talk to fancy dress. If you’re shy and the idea of acting out your sexual fantasies feels rather awkward, role play might surprise you. By adopting a different persona in the bedroom, fans of role play often find it easier to explore sexual situations they might not otherwise feel comfortable with. Popular role play scenarios often involve power play such as boss and secretary, but this is your sexual fantasy so if pretending to be two ponies in a meadow gets you off, don’t hold back. Provided you’ve agreed in advance, role play can bring you closer to your partner and help you live out your wildest dreams – so ride that pony! - Group sex
Group sex is the epitome of kink and most of us have fantasised about inviting additional people into the bedroom for a threesome or an orgy. However, with relationship hang-ups and safety measures to consider, group sex with friends does not always translate that well into real life. The easiest way to dip your toe in the multiples pond is to invite a stranger to join you (easily done via most dating apps now) or attend a sex party to see how it feels first. We hear Killing Kittens is a great place to start.
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- Swinging
Swinging differs from group sex, as it refers to the practice of swapping partners rather than a fleshy free for all. While it’s easy to draw parallels between adultery and swinging, provided it’s between consenting adults and everyone’s having a jolly good time, what’s not to enjoy? Thanks to the communication and trust that comes with swinging, swing fans report enhanced intimacy and devotion in their relationships, so throw your keys onto the coffee table and get stuck in. - Mutual masturbation
Something as simple as mutual masturbation with your lover can be surprisingly kinky. Try sitting opposite each other on the bed but only touching yourself and see how things pan out. Watching your lover while pleasuring yourself can be incredibly sexy, increase shared intimacy and feels like a private sex show. Add sex toys into the mix for guaranteed orgasmic bliss. - Watch porn together
If you’ve never watched porn or it’s a hobby you usually enjoy alone, you are in for a treat. All those oily naked bodies you see writhing around on screen? Watch porn together and you can replicate it with real live flesh! It’s also useful for tips and suggestions for sexual positions and role play games. The catch: watching too much porn may lead to unrealistic expectations about genital size, hairlessness and staying power. - Make a sex tape
Technology has come on leaps and bounds and these days everyone and their dog can press record on their smartphone and make a sexy video. However, don’t be disappointed if your sex tape doesn’t turn out like the porn films. Find an area in your home with good lighting, wear your sexiest outfit and don’t be afraid to delete it if you’re not keen on the finished product. And do not invite your dog. - Sex with strangers
Sex with strangers can be seriously kinky but also comes with its fair share of risks so proceed with caution. Most dating apps come with casual hook up functionality these days, but if this doesn’t appeal you can create the idea of stranger sex without putting yourself at risk. Sign up to a webcam, join Chatroulette to indulge in virtual sex with people you don’t know or simply use your imagination. - Experiment with sex toys
From a clit-tingling Rechargeable Wand to a Vibrating Blowjob Simulator, sex toys can add extra sugar to any kinky scenario. To help you get started on your kink journey we recommend the Bondage Starter Kit or try a flogger to tickle and tease your lover into submission. Once you’ve graduated to an experienced kinkster, throw some spreaders into the mix and don’t forget the lube. - Try rough sex
If scratching, slapping, pinching and spitting turns you on, then you might be ready to try rough sex. Rough sex sits under the BDSM umbrella (this stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) and incorporates everything from a bit of slap and tickle to a full on spanking and strangulation. But the onus is always on being Safe, Sane and Consensual, so do your homework before you proceed so there are no nasty surprises.
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- Enjoy exhibitionism
Do you love to be the centre of attention and get turned on by the concept of being seen? Exhibitionism is a sexual kink in which the person feels sexual arousal at the idea (or in some cases reality) of being seen engaged in sexual activities by others, and it can be seriously fun to play. Either at home with your lover or via webcam with the world, exhibitionists and kink go hand in hand and this stage was made for you. - Try your hand at voyeurism
Conversely, voyeurism is all about the erotic joy of watching, so if you like to sit in the shadows and quietly observe the world (or watch the above mentioned exhibitionists take centre stage) then chances are you’re a voyeur. This kink can have a seedy underbelly as not everyone likes being watched, so make sure you ask first as no one likes a peeping Tom. - Impact play
Impact play involving spanking, flogging, whipping or paddling is a great entry point for BDSM play and features highly on the kink hot list. If you’ve never enjoyed a good spanking you’ll be reassured to hear that if you target the fleshy bits, it doesn’t have to hurt and the vibrations can elicit a tantalising range of physical and emotional responses to boot. Bend over baby. - Try cuckolding
Traditionally used as a way to cast major shade, a cuckold is the (often long suffering) husband of an adulterous wife. However, the kink community have made this word their own and these days cuckolding is all part of the fun. Turned on by the idea of seeing your wife getting slammed by another man? Or perhaps you want her to cheat and then relay the encounter to you in exquisite detail? You my friend are a cuckold and if it gets you off, all power to you! It works both ways and if you’re a woman who finds the humiliation of adultery rather alluring, you can call yourself a cuckquean. You’ll need to be pretty committed to cuckoldry if you’re prepared to put your marriage at risk, but proponents of cuckolding seem to love it. If you’re on the fence, try pretending and see how that feels. Sometimes simply talking about your sexual fantasies is enough. - Pump your pussy
This kinky little game requires the correct accessories, but once you’ve invested in a vagina pump you’re all set. Pussy and clit pumps work by creating a vacuum over the labia and/or clitoris. Increasing blood flow makes the area become (temporarily) engorged and consequently more sensitive and ergo more pleasurable; perfect for a good pounding. - Temperature play
A classic party trick on the kink scene, using hot or cold temperatures to stimulate the skin can provoke a sensual reaction and turn the heat up in the bedroom. Temperature play is often combined with sensory deprivation to increase sensation, so throw a blindfold and some handcuffs into the mix, but it does come with risks so play safely. Don’t leave ice on the skin for too long to prevent frostbite and invest in purpose built BDSM Wax Play candles to avoid injury. And if you really must play with fire, keep an extinguisher close to hand. - Talk dirty
If you’re a newbie or your sex life needs a leg up, talking dirty is a surefire way to get you in the mood. Sexual arousal starts in the brain so whispering what you’d like to do to your lover (or have done to you) is a great way to kick off proceedings. To prolong foreplay start early in the day by calling home (or texting) on your lunch break to talk about the sexy plans you have for later. If you’re new to kink and can’t find the words, try listening to erotic stories together. You’ll be amazed at just how sexy listening to a story and using your imagination can be. - Pegging
The pros of pegging (switching places and shagging your man-friend up the bum with a strap-on dildo) go beyond tickling his G-spot. Pegging proponents report enjoying the power play that comes with switching places. For women it’s a great opportunity to subvert gender roles and show him who’s boss, while some men enjoy experimenting with their submissive side. Bend over boys! But don’t forget the lube. - Sex furniture
Did you know there’s an entire section on Amazon dedicated exclusively to sex furniture? Thats’s right folks, you can purchase ramps, cushions, wedges and stools designed specifically to boost your sex life and make your kinky encounters considerably more comfortable in the process. Just make sure you wipe your sex wedge down before Auntie Margaret pops round and needs to rest her bad knee. - Period sex
Period sex is still considered wildly taboo even though it’s perfectly commonplace and we’ve all done it either accidentally or on purpose at least once before. If you’re preparing to shag someone who is bleeding, just think of it as extra red hot lube and dive right in. Contrary to popular belief period sex is not unhygienic and nothing bad will happen to you (aside from ruining your sheets if you don’t put a towel down). And for the bleeder? Prepare for relief from cramps, an increased libido, a shorter period and some seriously steamy messy play. Some people really like it, so don’t be shy. - Anal sex
Up to 90 per cent of gay men and about a third of heterosexual couples enjoy anal sex from time to time, so it’s not all that taboo. If you’re on the fence, the anal area is equipped with a truckload of sensitive nerve endings in both men and women which can provide exquisite feelings of pleasure as a result, so it is worth investigating your back end. Just make sure you have bucketloads of water-based lubricants at hand and a well-placed pillow to bite. - Power play
Power play exists in every relationship even if you aren’t engaging in kinky sex, but it can really ramp things up in the bedroom. In BDSM circles power play refers to the practice of dominance and submission and requires advanced levels of communication, trust and intimacy to succeed, so think of it as the ultimate sex game starting in the mind. A good place to start is the good old fashioned servant and master routine, so surrender completely to your lover (or vice versa) and pander to their every whim for an incredibly intimate, powerful and sexy time. - Fetish
The term fetish is often used interchangeably with kink to refer to any sexual activity that falls outside the mainstream appetite. But fetish is actually a subset of kinky sex, and technically refers to the fixation of an inanimate object that’s not typically sexual such as body parts – notably feet!
Fetishists tend to require the object of their attraction at hand to become sexually aroused. ‘Kinky sex involves something that you enjoy adding to your experiences, as opposed to a fetish, which suggests you are dependent on that idea/experience for your sexual arousal and enjoyment and cannot experience sexual satisfaction without it,’ says Sheppard.
Having said that, anyone can experiment with fetish play. To get started try toe sucking, have hot sex in front of the mirror (katoptronphilia) or try peeing on your lover (urophilia) but if you’re keen on cannibal-influenced sex (vorarephilia) please stick to role play.
- Humiliation play
Erotic humiliation is the consensual use of psychological humiliation to get your rocks off, so it requires serious commitment and you need to know what you’ve signed up to before you get involved. If the mixed and powerful emotions of being humiliated by your lover leaves you weak at the knees, this could be the kink for you, but map out some clear boundaries before you get started and don’t forget the all important safe word. - Switching
While most kinksters have a very clear idea of where they sit on the kinky spectrum and are either dominant or submissive, some people like to switch, which means they enjoy both dominant and submissive play. Studies have found that switching can have remarkable results, as BDSM play reduces anxiety by bringing the mind to an altered “flow” state of consciousness. Where do we sign up?
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